


I Know

by adam_gonzales



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Crying, F/M, Hogwarts, M/M, Mentions of alcohol, One Sided Sirius Black/Remus Lupin, One-Sided Attraction, People drinking alcohol, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, first fanfic, idk it’s just sad man, inner monologue, kinda angsty, wolfstar
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-27
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2021-03-09 03:02:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,266
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27227779
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/adam_gonzales/pseuds/adam_gonzales
Summary: Remus is coping with his unrequited crush on Sirius. No it does not have a happy ending.
Relationships: Sirius Black/Marlene McKinnon, Sirius Black/Remus Lupin
Comments: 2
Kudos: 24





	I Know

**Author's Note:**

> This is the first fanfic I’ve ever finished writing and published, please leave kind suggestions in the comments. I wrote it to cope with my crush having a gf bc I’m a dumb Lupin kinnie. Yes this is a vent fic.

Remus really should be feeling happy for him. He had no idea that Sirius was seeing Marlene and he wished he had been told earlier because he has spent the last 3 weeks coming to terms with the fact that he likes Sirius. Just finding out now, at 3 am in a park in the middle of Remus’ neighborhood from James is not the way he would have wanted to find out. The information hits him like a bag of bricks and his disappointment rushes to his head. Trying to cover his disappointment he just raises his eyebrows towards Sirius and decides to tease him.“Would have been nice to know about that”, he attempts to joke. Part of him wishes Sirius would say something along the lines of it not being serious.  
Unfortunately for Remus Sirius blushed and looked at the floor and muttered out a, “Yeah, sorry”.  
“So he really likes this one?” He asked James. James responded with a nod. Sirius always found himself bragging about girls at whatever chance he could get so when he pulled one that he didn’t talk about it was a big deal. Lucky her.  
Remus needed to stop being so petty. He was sure that Marlene was a lovely girl and they were very happy together. Everything felt awful for him though. He was feeling lightheaded, his heart was rushing and he felt as if he was about to cry. God he needed a drink. He eyed the alcohol that James was ignoring to tease Sirius about his latest pull. He was trying to not drink but god he needed the emptiness in his head to go away.  
“Can I get a drink of that?” He asked James, trying to ignore his apprehensions.  
“Thought you were trying to quit?” James teased. He passed Remus the bag concealing the bottle of god knows what.  
“Fuck it” Remus smiled. James went back to teasing poor Sirius about Marlene and for the first time in ages Sirius actually seemed to be embarrassed of James’ teasing. His head hung between his knees and his mop of hair grazed the ground. He was either really drunk or really embarrassed and sadly for Remus the bottle he was holding was still decently full. He took a sip for the first time in what felt like ages and felt the familiar burn slide down his throat. He almost instantly felt relaxed for the first time in days.  
James’ obnoxious voice pushed through his thoughts, “So,” he began to question, “what is so great about this Marlene anyway?” He said exactly as Remus was thinking.  
“I dunno,” Sirius began, “she’s got like these beautiful eyes-. Stop laughing at me James”. Remus tried to avoid looking at Sirius’ face these days because every time he did Sirius’ smile would send waves of joy throughout his body. But it was 3 am and he wasn’t thinking straight but he regretted it immediately. Sirius was beet red with embarrassment. To avoid suspicion he joined in on James’ laughter and surely enough Sirius joined in.  
Sirius had no idea how his laugh made Remus feel. He tuned out James and Sirius and sat in his mind pondering possibilities as to why Sirius didn't tell him sooner. A small part of him hoped that it was because Sirius liked him and didn’t want to tell him and he was only going out with Marlene because he didn’t know how to cope with his feelings, but Remus wasn’t stupid. He tried to ignore the lovesick nagging at the back of his mind but it was near impossible. He took another drink.  
“Well,” James stated, “he didn’t mention her tits so he must really like her.” Remus faked a chuckle. He wanted to go home now.  
“I know”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
After they all returned to Hogwarts from Christmas break at Moony’s things only got better for Sirius and Marlene and worse for poor Remus. Since Sirius for once is taking things slow in his relationships he fortunately doesn’t have to see them snogging in the common room, but he wondered if that made things worse. He would see them sit next to each other and they would share these all knowing glances with each other. That was something that he and Sirius were supposed to share with each other. He found himself getting irrationally angry and the jealousy boiled to his head.  
“He seems to really like her,” said a familiar voice. Of course James would say that. He probably saw right through his quiet act and he was going to tell everyone. No, he told himself James wouldn’t do that.  
“Yeah, I know man” He said through his teeth. The question that had been haunting him for the past few weeks accidentally slipped out “Why didn’t he tell me?”  
“Jeez man, I don’t know” James responded, “don’t get beat up about it. He didn’t tell Peter either. He’s probably just embarrassed. For the first time in absolute ages he found a girl he respects.”  
Thank you for bringing it up again James. The queasiness was coming back. He stood up far to quickly and he almost fell. Gaining his balance after stumbling, he told James, “I’m feeling dizzy. I think I’m gonna turn in for the night.”  
“It’s only 8”, James protested.  
“Sorry mate. Not feeling the best I’ll help you with your work tomorrow.” That’s all his friends kept him around for anyways.. He began the trek up the stairs which was nearing impossible with his awful headache. As he reached the top of the stairs he took one last look down at James and mistakenly looked at Sirius. He was holding hands with Marlene under the table. He almost threw up in his mouth. He’s supposed be taking things slow, Remus thought and stormed to his dorm.  
He grabbed a hand towel and ran it under the cold water and dragged himself towards his bed. Placing the towel on his forehead with hopes of alleviation from his dizziness. He was just alone with his thoughts, the more he thought about Sirius and Marlene the more empty he felt. There was a hole in his chest and only stupid Sirius could fill it. And maybe some music. He made the same mistake again by getting up to quickly and stumbled his way towards the record player next to Sirius’ bed and he was overwhelmed with the smell of Sirius’ stupid cologne. He forced himself to roll his eyes and place a record on the machine. He didn’t look at the name, he didn’t care he just needed to get his mind off Sirius.  
He was finally relaxing when he heard James open the door. He groaned out, “Listen James I told ya, I feel sick. I can’t hear you gush about Sirius and Marlene or help you with homework.”  
“Does he really do that?” Not James responded. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. Why did Sirius come up here. He should of recognized it, he smelled his stupid cologne from a mile away. FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKK. He sat up and looked at the other boys forehead.  
“Unfortunately yes,” Remus responded. Sirius burst into a fit of giggles and Remus nearly melted from hearing his laughter.  
“God he’s happier than I am about being in this relationship.” Remus pretended to be amused. “Look,” Sirius began, “James said that you were pretty upset about me not telling you about Marlene” So that’s why he was here. Not because he wanted to hang out with him.  
“I don’t care that you didn’t tell me,” Remus lied, “I was just curious and I have a killer headache so that’s probably why he thought I was upset.” He was being too detailed. Sirius knew he was lying, he thought. He was getting into his own head and was far too stressed. He was sure the headache lie would cover up his uncomfortable face.  
“Do you want to know why I didn’t tell you? It’s be-”  
“I don’t care,” Remus snapped. He then sighed, “Look sorry for snapping but this headache is killing me.” Sirius slid onto the opposite end of Remus’ bed and attempted to look at him. Remus rolled his eyes realizing Sirius wouldn’t leave. To distract himself from even further he picked up a book.  
“Ya know because I’m so nice I’m not gonna get mad at you for using my record player.” He flung himself off Remus' bed and bounced over to the record player to see what was playing. “Interesting choice Moony,” he said as he picked up the discarded record cover, “‘Top Love Songs of the Decade’. Jealous much?”  
“Oh shut up,” Remus complained as he picked up a pillow in preparation. “It was at the top of the pile you lovesick dolt.” He then sent a pillow flying across the room and almost got him but he barely dodged it. Of course he picked up the love song record. He was incredibly jealous but not in the way he should be. Oh god every time he thought about it the dizzier he felt but Sirius’ mop of curls rested perfectly on his shoulders, and his eyes were deep pits of earth that he could get lost in. His jaw was so perfectly chiseled Remus wondered how he was human.  
Sirius’ soothing voice ripped him back into reality. “I really like her Moony”  
“I know”  
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~  
Remus thought the Marlene problem would be easier to ignore but the more comfortable Sirius got with her the more open their relationship was. Long gone were the days of secretly holding hands. Everyone around the school was obsessed with their relationship too. People would sometimes ask him for details about their relationship, as if he knew or cared about them. Thankfully Sirius respected Remus’ discomfort with PDA and the Marauders attributed it to him being a prude.  
Remus felt himself tiring and decided to grab his things for a bath in the Prefect Bathroom. He gathered his study materials and began the track up the stairs. He hadn’t seen Sirius in a while. The nagging queer voice in the back of the head told him it was because Sirius was trying to ignore his feelings for Remus. The logical voice always took over after those fleeting thoughts but it was nice to fantasize every once and awhile. He hoped Sirius was in their dorm so he could brag about how nice the prefect baths were compared to his dingy shower.  
He pushed open the door to the dorm with his hand and scanned the room for Sirius. Unfortunately he found him quickly and he was on his bed (fortunately clothed) with Marlene on top of him. He dropped his books in schock and turned around so quickly after that everything was a blur. He was running to the stairs behind him he heard Sirius tell Marlene about how, “Remus doesn’t know about girls and it is kinda funny if you ignore the embarrassment’’. This made him run even faster towards the stairs. Everything after was a blur he vaguely remembered mentioning being “traumatized” to James before he left the common room. He was somehow in the prefect baths sat on the floor holding back tears.  
If he didn’t let out his tears he was sure his eyes would explode. They were already filled with tears and he was already all alone. That’s what he was. Alone. He just let it loose. There Remus was all alone on the bathroom floor sobbing his eyes out. He had no idea the last time he cried like this. He teared up from pain from pat transformations but nothing hurt like this. The emptiness from his chest soon began to rush to his head. The numbness began around his eyes but slowly spread throughout his upper body. He lost control and his body slammed against the bathroom floor. There he was an almost 17 year old crying his eyes out on the floor of the bathroom in fetal position because Sirius was snogging Marlene. He felt like a girl.  
He didn’t know how long he’d been in the bathroom for but the door cracking open was a shock. He guessed he forgot to lock it in his distressed state. Lily came in, oh of course Lily came in. Remus hadn’t talked to Lily in a few days and he was happier it was her over Sirius or James. This of course isn’t the first time she’d walked in on him lying on the floor in tears. He found the prefect bathroom floor very relaxing. The cool tile soothed him. “Hey,” she said, “James said you were traumatized by Sirius and to go looking for you. Listen I understand it’s a little weird that Sirius is in a committed relationship and you’re a bit of a prude but you aren’t losing him. He’s still your friend, there's no need to cry about it.”  
“Lily,” He said as wiped his face down, “that’s not why I’m crying.” How lowly did she think of him? Should he tell her? Could he trust her? He’s never told anyone that he’s queer how would she react? He didn’t know how to say it and attempted to give her an all knowing look that said, ‘I’m in love with Sirius’.  
Of course Lily would misread it though. “Remus, are you in love with Marlene?’  
He then burst into laughter and looked up at Lily. “It’s not Marlene I’m in love with.”  
“Oh”  
“Yeah”  
“So, Sirius huh?”  
“Yeah”  
“And you’re a-”  
“Yeah”  
“He’s really happy with her”  
“I know”


End file.
